Thursday, August 8, 2013

Free Soloing: Ropeless Rock Climbing with a Fear of Heights




Though I am absolutely terrified of heights [or more specifically, terrified of the painful splat I just know will occur from the inevitable fall from those heights], I have been known from time-to-time to face that fear head-on and completely surprise myself by what I can do. One such occasion was free soloing (ropeless rock climbing) up a 30 ft cliff face.

The back story of my fear is that as a child, I knew no fear of heights. I was part monkey; climbing and jumping off of or out of everything in sight. I am not sure why I sought such adventure or why it abruptly changed from fun to terrifying.

The paralyzing fear of heights hit me suddenly in high school. I was actively involved in, among other things, the theatre arts program and was going to run the lights for the current play at the time. The gels needed to be changed, so my friend, who was running the sound, and myself were tasked with the job.

As I ascended the ladder from the stage to the lights above it. I was halfway up and without warning, I froze. I could not physically move. My heart was racing and I was overwhelmed with fear. The friend I was attempting to help switch out the light gels was just below me on the ladder and me, being me, thought I was joking around. He had never known me to be afraid of heights. When he heard the shaking in my voice and then realized I was also physically trembling, he carefully climbed up and behind me, in order to gently guide me back to the stage floor, within the safety of his arms.

When my feet touched ground, I collapsed into a heap, sobbing uncontrollably. I had never felt such complete terror in my life. It physically and emotionally drained me; and embarrassed me beyond description. From that point forward, even small heights of only a few feet filled me with overwhelming fear. It was humiliating.

So, back to free soloing: fast forward some years to a canyon with a 30 ft cliff face, routinely free soloed by many. With a little encouragement from a friend, I was able to scale the cliff face,despite the terror I felt and the physical symptoms I was experiencing of a panic attack. I was determined to win the battle and not allow an irrational fear stop me. That self-talked worked, kind of. I was so proud of myself. I had made it all the way up. Of course, I couldn't go back down, because that required looking down and that was more than I was capable of doing at that time, but nonetheless, I climbed a 30 ft cliff face with no ropes, despite my fear of heights.

One of my bucket list items is to conquer this fear. Part of that includes working with an indoor rock climbing facility on being able to easily climb both up and down their simulated rock walls. Additional parts include zip-lining and a hot air balloon ride.

Even if I never completely rid myself of the fear and panic, if I can learn how to get past it and just "do" anyway, I will be satisfied.

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